A rundown:

Kara continues Simon’s spot-on comment about how “it’s fine being an artist, just not on this show” by defining her go-to word, “artistry,” as “….making you want to run out and buy the record.” Prompting the contestants to whip out their cells and Google “record” during the first of many commercial breaks.

1. Anoop sings Usher’s “Caught Up” and promises “high energy.” Epic fail. Kara: “I feel like a bunch of frat guys dared you to get up there and sing Usher.” Burn! Ryan tries to start a fight between Anoop and Miss DiaG. Also an epic fail.

2. Megan…oh Megan. You were so good in your audition and first performance! I didn’t even mind “Rockin’ Robin.” But Bob Marley?? She does “Turn Your Lights Down Low.” It’s dull. And girlfriend can’t dance and sing simultaneously. Randy pretends he’s Simon and says it was “like watching paint dry.” Dawg!

3. Danny and His…hey, he’s wearing the same glasses as last week! Bravo. Sings “What Hurts the Most” by Rascal Flatts, with the intention of “pull[ing] out what’s inside of him.” A violin starts…zzzzzzWha? Oh yeah, Idol.

He does his thing. My cat walks in the living room and my husband and I both start cooing as if we’ve never seen her before. The song is over! The judges drool — Simon APPLAUDS — so I gotta watch it again.

Eh — still not all that impressed. Kara says he “gave so much of your heart and soul to the audience.” TRANSLATION: “We really want you to be in the Top 3.” My husband exclaims: “Don’t be fooled, America, he’s Taylor Hicks all over again!”

4. Allison whips out the guitar for “Don’t Speak.” She says she “grew up listening to the song” and I suddenly feel very old. She doesn’t knock it out of the park but it’s still good, so the judges resort to critiquing her Pebbles Flinstone outfit.

5. Aargh, Scott. You know how I feel about him…but he’s doing Billy Joel! Besides his weird, flash-frozen smile to the audience right before he starts singing, it’s probably his best performance. (Disclaimer: May be slightly biased by the fact that I love me some Billy Joel. There, I said it.)

Dude got a nice makeover, too. Meanwhile, Paula is looking more haggard as the night wears on.

6. Matt sings “You Found Me” by the Fray and is allowed to play his keyboard offstage surrounded by girls. Doesn’t seem quite fair, but it doesn’t help him win points for his tepid David Cook impersonation. Judges: Hated it!

This kind of irks me, though — if a contestant does the same thing every week, they’re chastised for not showing their versatility. Show some versatility, though, and now “We don’t know who you are!” (I know, I know, most viewers probably have recognized this hypocrisy many seasons ago. I’m a relative newcomer.)

7. Lil does Celine Dion’s “I Surrender” with a new weave and some serious makeup. During the big notes, she sounds good but looks like a blowup doll. (Go ahead, watch it again.)

Ryan again tries to start trouble, this time by putting Lil’s terrified toddler daughters in the spotlight. Classy! In the end, the younger spawn ends up glommed on to poor Randy.

8. Adam is singing “Play That Funky Music” and is shown letting loose an AaaaAAAAHHHHH!!! during practice. Oh no! Immediately, it sounds like a cruise-ship arrangement. The return of the pompadour, the cheesy gyrations, the knee-dancing…”it’s like Ralph Macchio or Adrian Zmed singing,” according to husband, officially winning tonight’s Best Snark.

It’s moderately painful, but then comes the “’till you die AY AYAYAY AYAYAYAAYY!!” and GOOD GOD WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING TO THE SONG? Simon calls it “original,” which is one way of putting it. Kara says it was “like Studio 57 in here” — I’m thinking she meant Studio 54, but that’s OK, Paula Jr.

At any rate, the judges are all over it, so this is another performance I’m rewinding…and Oh God, no, no, no! Sorry. (Classy of him to give the band props, though.)

9. Kris the Kutey is going to sing…”Anal Sunshine?” Oh, “Ain’t No Sunshine.” Great song, he sounds OK, but really you gotta have a bit more grit — or “flavor,” as the judges might say — to pull it off. Go forth and get thy heart broken, boy, then try again. Judges drool regardless.

Bottom 3 prediction: Matt. Scott. And, sigh, Megan. Might be the week my fave goes home! But maybe it’s better to put the poor thing out of her misery.

Adam Lambert.