OK, so I recovered from last week. I wasn’t nearly as devastated by the fact that my fave Megan got sent home, but that the girl had clearly lost her marbles sometime between her awesome “Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man” audition and her arm-flapping, caw-cawing elimination. Ah well, probably for the best.

Now on to the Top 8, who are singing songs from the year they were born.  (But first: WTF is up with the lifeless bald guy in the audience? That can’t be a real person…right?)

But it’s not time for contestants yet! Gotta eat up time with the judges’ baby picks. Good God, did Ryan just say “poopie?” And how rich did his orthodondist get fixing those buckteeth of his? Anyway…

1. Danny does a 1980 version of “Stand by Me.” The arrangement is awful: First he sounds like he’s ahead of the music, then it gets funky — as in bad disco funky, not good Prince funky — and the whole thing sounds counter to the classic melody.

The judges all essentially say it was horrible, but he’s great! Vote for Danny!

2. Kris talks about the “instructor” of a ferris wheel and wins points for his adorable gaffe. He sings “All She Wants to Do Is Dance,” processing Don Henley through his Jason Mraz filter.

He basically does the same thing as Danny, only better, but the judges give him hell for it. You know they’re confused when Randy calls the tune “a great song.” I love me some Don Henley, but a great song that is not. Also, Simon makes a joke about how hot he and Kris are.

3. Lil’s mother apparently felt the need to set the record straight that her daughter’s seeming nom de stage is actually her birth name. She sings “What’s Love Got to Do With It.” And she….well, her eye makeup is awesome, and her ass continues to go badonkadonk. But the vocals…sigh.

Simon classifies it as “ghastly” and says what I’ve been thinking — that Lil has failed to capitalize on her 15 minutes, and her time is up. Though he also claims there were “a million” songs she could have chosen from 1984. I don’t have the stats handy, but I think he might be off a, well, lil. (I can hear your collective groan.)

Allison

4. Anoop is next — is he really still in the competition? Sings “True Colors,” a sure killer, and not in a slay-’em kind of way.

It is extremely boring, yet the judges are extremely complimentary. Simon says that Anoop doesn’t have to apologize for sassing Kara last week: “We can be horrible to you, and  you can be horrible back.”

(That makes me feel a little better for the wince-inducing kiss-off he gave to Megan last week, telling her they’re not even going to bother pretending they might save her because they just don’t care. Cold!)

5. Scott gets up there with a guitar and warbles “The Search Is Over.” Everyone acts astonished that he plays something other than the piano; Paula says she thought an acoustic might have been better than an electric. “I thought this WAS my acoustic guitar!” Scott replies.

(Not really. And I know I’m going to hell for making fun of the blind kid.)

6. Allison sings “I Can’t Make You Love Me” from…ugh, 1992! Besides the fact of her extreme youth, the performance is nice enough. She can’t be Growly McGrowlerson all the time, you know.

Simon says she needs to be more likable, which is weird for me, dawg. I mean, the girl has pink hair and a smiley monkey face. How much more likeable can she get without turning into Kris?

7. Matt laughs his way through a totally embarrassing video of him as an earnest kiddie angel. Then he continues his aping of Justin Timberlake with “Part-Time Lover.”

The best part of his performance is his hat, but the judges drool. Kara needs to settle down. “INCREDIBLE ON EVERY LEVEL!” she yells. Kara, we told you to stop sharing Paula’s Coke!

8. Adam the Idol finishes the show with “Mad World,” aka the Donnie Darko song. He’s on a stool with his legs spread-eagle and bathed in a freaky blue light….and then he stands, and it’s very dramatic.

The performance is a little overemotive and affected for my taste, but once again he’s technically dead-on. Simon gives him a standing ovation. I’m floored.

That’s all my DVR lets me see. Never did find out who/what the bald guy was; I’m sure it’s gotta be some kind of Fox promotion. Anyone know?

This week’s bottom three: Lil. Anoop. And, please God, Scott.

A rundown:

Kara continues Simon’s spot-on comment about how “it’s fine being an artist, just not on this show” by defining her go-to word, “artistry,” as “….making you want to run out and buy the record.” Prompting the contestants to whip out their cells and Google “record” during the first of many commercial breaks.

1. Anoop sings Usher’s “Caught Up” and promises “high energy.” Epic fail. Kara: “I feel like a bunch of frat guys dared you to get up there and sing Usher.” Burn! Ryan tries to start a fight between Anoop and Miss DiaG. Also an epic fail.

2. Megan…oh Megan. You were so good in your audition and first performance! I didn’t even mind “Rockin’ Robin.” But Bob Marley?? She does “Turn Your Lights Down Low.” It’s dull. And girlfriend can’t dance and sing simultaneously. Randy pretends he’s Simon and says it was “like watching paint dry.” Dawg!

3. Danny and His…hey, he’s wearing the same glasses as last week! Bravo. Sings “What Hurts the Most” by Rascal Flatts, with the intention of “pull[ing] out what’s inside of him.” A violin starts…zzzzzzWha? Oh yeah, Idol.

He does his thing. My cat walks in the living room and my husband and I both start cooing as if we’ve never seen her before. The song is over! The judges drool — Simon APPLAUDS — so I gotta watch it again.

Eh — still not all that impressed. Kara says he “gave so much of your heart and soul to the audience.” TRANSLATION: “We really want you to be in the Top 3.” My husband exclaims: “Don’t be fooled, America, he’s Taylor Hicks all over again!”

4. Allison whips out the guitar for “Don’t Speak.” She says she “grew up listening to the song” and I suddenly feel very old. She doesn’t knock it out of the park but it’s still good, so the judges resort to critiquing her Pebbles Flinstone outfit.

5. Aargh, Scott. You know how I feel about him…but he’s doing Billy Joel! Besides his weird, flash-frozen smile to the audience right before he starts singing, it’s probably his best performance. (Disclaimer: May be slightly biased by the fact that I love me some Billy Joel. There, I said it.)

Dude got a nice makeover, too. Meanwhile, Paula is looking more haggard as the night wears on.

6. Matt sings “You Found Me” by the Fray and is allowed to play his keyboard offstage surrounded by girls. Doesn’t seem quite fair, but it doesn’t help him win points for his tepid David Cook impersonation. Judges: Hated it!

This kind of irks me, though — if a contestant does the same thing every week, they’re chastised for not showing their versatility. Show some versatility, though, and now “We don’t know who you are!” (I know, I know, most viewers probably have recognized this hypocrisy many seasons ago. I’m a relative newcomer.)

7. Lil does Celine Dion’s “I Surrender” with a new weave and some serious makeup. During the big notes, she sounds good but looks like a blowup doll. (Go ahead, watch it again.)

Ryan again tries to start trouble, this time by putting Lil’s terrified toddler daughters in the spotlight. Classy! In the end, the younger spawn ends up glommed on to poor Randy.

8. Adam is singing “Play That Funky Music” and is shown letting loose an AaaaAAAAHHHHH!!! during practice. Oh no! Immediately, it sounds like a cruise-ship arrangement. The return of the pompadour, the cheesy gyrations, the knee-dancing…”it’s like Ralph Macchio or Adrian Zmed singing,” according to husband, officially winning tonight’s Best Snark.

It’s moderately painful, but then comes the “’till you die AY AYAYAY AYAYAYAAYY!!” and GOOD GOD WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING TO THE SONG? Simon calls it “original,” which is one way of putting it. Kara says it was “like Studio 57 in here” — I’m thinking she meant Studio 54, but that’s OK, Paula Jr.

At any rate, the judges are all over it, so this is another performance I’m rewinding…and Oh God, no, no, no! Sorry. (Classy of him to give the band props, though.)

9. Kris the Kutey is going to sing…”Anal Sunshine?” Oh, “Ain’t No Sunshine.” Great song, he sounds OK, but really you gotta have a bit more grit — or “flavor,” as the judges might say — to pull it off. Go forth and get thy heart broken, boy, then try again. Judges drool regardless.

Bottom 3 prediction: Matt. Scott. And, sigh, Megan. Might be the week my fave goes home! But maybe it’s better to put the poor thing out of her misery.

Adam Lambert.

I know, this week’s results show is about to start. So here are my highly abbreviated impressions of the Top 10’s tackling of Motown hits:

1. Smokey’s green eyes are kinda freaking me out.

2. Matt sings “Let’s Get It On.” I’m not exactly sure I agree with Robinson’s assessment that the cover would “floor” Marvin Gaye. In their praise, Kara’s suggestive and Paula’s making sense. What’s going on?

3. Kris the Kutey sings “How Sweet It Is,” and is unsurprisingly adorable if still borderline generic.

4. Scott is wearing salmon pants and a pink shirt, the combination of which, according to my husband, “is like vomit.” He sings “Can’t Hurry Love.” But he can’t sing, and it’s about time everyone realizes that and votes him off so he can go back to dressing himself without TV cameras capturing the result.

5. After Paula whips out a coloring book for Simon, Ryan asks her, “Dare I ask what else you have under this table?” Paula responds, “It’s under my skirt!” And the effects of her magic Coke have kicked in.

6. My Idol girlfriend, Megan, tries “For Once in My Life.” I have to admit: It’s not great. But please keep her on!

7. Anoop sings “Ooh Baby Baby.” Bad. Bad. Bad.

8. Sarver, whom my household has it in for after he skated by last week as Alexis got kicked off, attempts to “take it to church” with “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg.” Soooo smiley and white bread. Painful. But not as painful as when Simon flat-out tells him he has no chance of winning.

9. Lil sings “Heat Wave” like the show’s short on time. It may not have been too much faster than the song’s original tempo, but it feels super sped-up and doesn’t let her voice sound anything but ordinary. And hey, the judges agree with me!

10. Adam’s going to sing “Tracks of My Tears,” but then some dude in a suit and pompadour takes the stage. Whoa, it’s Lambert! And he’s pretty damn good, totally owns the night by keeping things soft and showing off a perfect falsetto. Kara: “I’ve got six words: One of the best performances of the night!” That’s not six words.

11. Danny and His Glasses sing “Get Ready.” Mercifully he kind of marches around the stage instead of dances, but it’s still only workaday good. Getting a little tired of him.

12. Allison sings “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” like a 40-year-old whisky-drinkin’ R&B diva. Awesome. Plus, Paula has a mustache.

T minus 10 until the protracted results. Look for my wrap-up around, oh, 24 hours from now.

It’s Country Week, which has to be better than Michael Jackson week. Right? Well…

The judges are introduced as they walk onto the stage, a new bit of fanfare I’m not digging this season. Uh, is Kara from the future? What’s with the Mylar dress?

Skeletor is the guest mentor…oh wait, it’s Randy Travis. Anyway, let’s do this thing:

1. The Roughneck goes first, singing a Garth Brooks song that sounds an awful lot like “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” He’s OK; that harmonica player, though, is WAY too excited to be there. Roughneck sasses Simon, which is apparently the new thing to do, and it’s already getting old.

2. Allison sings “Blame It On Your Heart,” a song I’m not ashamed to admit I love. She’s great…no, wait, she’s dope, a word Randy will trot out once more before the end of the show and that I predict is going to be his new go-to critique.

Simon calls Allison precocious, which I don’t see at all; she’d have to look and sound like the 16-year-old she is to earn that description, and she definitely doesn’t look 16. Like a monkey, maybe. But not  16.

3. Kris “Teddy Bear” Allen is going to sing…”And So It Goes?” THIS IS NOT A COUNTRY SONG. Billy Joel wrote and recorded it. Bob Dylan did a cover. Not country. Gotta rewind the DVR; missed the very beginning of TB’s mentor session. OK, Garth Brooks covered it, too. Still not a country  song, but it’s pretty, even with TB’s not-outstanding vocals.

Simon says it “wasn’t over the top” — was he talking to Paula during some of TB’s flourishes?  And what was with that lurid eyebrow raise from Travis after TB finished his practice run? Yikes. Hope he got outta that room before kindly ol’ Randy offered him some Jesus Juice.

4. Lil sings Martina McBride’s “Independence Day” and sounds good to me. Randy once again proves he’s an idiot by saying “it didn’t feel comfortable for me on you.” Uh, maybe because she’s not a country artist? Most entertaining part, though, is when Simon insists on calling her “Little,” as if it’s the name on her birth certificate.

5. Adam matches Kara in a we-come-in-peace spaceman outfit. He mentions to Travis that he’s not doing Johnny Cash’s version of “Ring of Fire,” but one with sitars and an Indian flavor. Travis: “Now you’re scarin’ me.” And then to the camera: “I was speechless. I don’t know what to say about this boy.” Further rags on his nail polish but manages to say that Adam seems like a nice enough kid.

As far as the performance, I start typing that Adam, who has not been a favorite of mine, sounds hella-awesome on the high notes. But then he goes into his falsetto, and…oof. No good. And then he starts wailing!

Kara, Adam’s UFO co-pilot, sums it up politely: “It was strange.” But then Simon, as usual, sums it up best: “I think what Randy [Travis] was trying to say was, “What the hell was that? I think there are a lot of people throwing their televisions out the window right now….indulgent rubbish. Really, really horrific.”

6. More Martina McBride from Scott “Skating on My Disability” MacIntyre. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Please vote him off, people — his voice is just NOT that good. Plus, he looks like he belongs in Madame Tussauds.

On a side note, does Randy really think there will eve be a Bruce Hornsby week? He seems to be sipping from Paula’s cup. Told Scott that he was “looking for hot, crazy, unbelievable vocals from you.” Wrong contestant, dude.

7. Alexis is doing “Jolene.” Yay! Except — boo. The arrangement is bad; the vocals are meh. “I’m just trying to bring my own little flavor to it,” Alexis retorts, which is a great way to spin “I sucked.” Paula says, “I don’t care about pitch problems.” Really? Did my TV switch channels?

And are we doomed to spend the rest of the season hearing Alexis judged based on her level of “dirtiness?” For the love of God, please shut up about that throwaway piece of audition advice already.

8. Danny’s glasses perform “Jesus Take the Wheel.” The beginning is awful, but it’s all in the name of the big-ass power chorus. He mouths “wow” when Paula posits that Carrie Underwood herself (gasp!) would probably buy Danny’s cover of her song. Perhaps not surprising considering dude seems to be wearing a reverse straitjacket.

9. Anoop is singing “Always on My Mind.” I giggle when Travis mentions that Anoop Dawg sang it before and says, “It’s hard to get willy out of your mind.” Whoops, he meant “Willie.”

He sings; it’s “dope.” I can’t believe Simon says something as cheesy as “You just went from zero to hero.” I also can’t believe Anoop wore an argyle hoodie for country week, but whatev.

10. Ah, Megan…I should probably confess that I’ve anointed her my Idol girlfriend. She is singing Patsy Cline’s “Walkin’ After Midnight,” to which the obviously open-minded Travis responds: “Ummm…OK.”

I gotta admit that Megan’s cute little twists and inflections didn’t really work this time, though the vocals are better than the dancing. I also think she pulled a Haley Scarnato and misunderstood the gist of the song — it’s all aching and yearning, and Megan’s delivery was pretty cheery.

But wow — girlfriend had the flu, bad enough to have gone to the hospital. In light of that, Kara’s “You’re a winner!” doesn’t seem so…weird.

11. Matt Timberlake sings more Carrie Underwood, a ballad called “So Small.” Boring! Though, to be fair, not as boring as some of the others tonight.

Kara: “Matt, there ain’t nothin’ small about you!” Er…I’ll just leave it at that.