I know, this week’s results show is about to start. So here are my highly abbreviated impressions of the Top 10’s tackling of Motown hits:
1. Smokey’s green eyes are kinda freaking me out.
2. Matt sings “Let’s Get It On.” I’m not exactly sure I agree with Robinson’s assessment that the cover would “floor” Marvin Gaye. In their praise, Kara’s suggestive and Paula’s making sense. What’s going on?
3. Kris the Kutey sings “How Sweet It Is,” and is unsurprisingly adorable if still borderline generic.
4. Scott is wearing salmon pants and a pink shirt, the combination of which, according to my husband, “is like vomit.” He sings “Can’t Hurry Love.” But he can’t sing, and it’s about time everyone realizes that and votes him off so he can go back to dressing himself without TV cameras capturing the result.
5. After Paula whips out a coloring book for Simon, Ryan asks her, “Dare I ask what else you have under this table?” Paula responds, “It’s under my skirt!” And the effects of her magic Coke have kicked in.
6. My Idol girlfriend, Megan, tries “For Once in My Life.” I have to admit: It’s not great. But please keep her on!
7. Anoop sings “Ooh Baby Baby.” Bad. Bad. Bad.
8. Sarver, whom my household has it in for after he skated by last week as Alexis got kicked off, attempts to “take it to church” with “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg.” Soooo smiley and white bread. Painful. But not as painful as when Simon flat-out tells him he has no chance of winning.
9. Lil sings “Heat Wave” like the show’s short on time. It may not have been too much faster than the song’s original tempo, but it feels super sped-up and doesn’t let her voice sound anything but ordinary. And hey, the judges agree with me!
10. Adam’s going to sing “Tracks of My Tears,” but then some dude in a suit and pompadour takes the stage. Whoa, it’s Lambert! And he’s pretty damn good, totally owns the night by keeping things soft and showing off a perfect falsetto. Kara: “I’ve got six words: One of the best performances of the night!” That’s not six words.
11. Danny and His Glasses sing “Get Ready.” Mercifully he kind of marches around the stage instead of dances, but it’s still only workaday good. Getting a little tired of him.
12. Allison sings “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” like a 40-year-old whisky-drinkin’ R&B diva. Awesome. Plus, Paula has a mustache.
T minus 10 until the protracted results. Look for my wrap-up around, oh, 24 hours from now.